Sanvi had this outburst a couple of days ago saying "You are not fun at all like Daddy!. You are boring and too serious!". Well, if only she knew how much I did laugh all my life. She made me wonder, am I losing my joie de vivre and showing the kids the fun side being too absorbed with responsibility and this dread for what the future holds for us? I don't want them to grow up with the serious side of me (which I never knew I had!!). I don't even recognize that this has surfaced. Of course, I can't compete with Nook's sense of humor, his laissez-faire attitude and general love of life and all things good. But this has made me pause and think of more 'fun' things I have to do to keep Sanvi bubbly and happy! It's a challenge because when it comes to discipline time, if I am the 'fun' person, she's never going to take me seriously - the art of single parenting balancing different demands on the see-saw of single parenting. I see this image of the see-saw at the park, running to both sides taking turns sitting on each side for a bit - yes, I've done this as a kid for fun when there's no one to play it, but I've been left to play both sides of it in the see-saw called LIFE!
I do have to say she came up to me hours later and told me she's sorry she said that and I am the best mom she's ever had (I like when she says that because she doesn't realize I am the only one she has - there's no multiple moms she's experienced to compare to!). But I get what she's trying to say - at her age, she's so sweet to come and reassure me!
WELCOME TO NOOK'S HEALTH BLOG - STATUS UPDATES
My name is Sangeetha and I am authoring this blog on behalf of my husband - Nook (to friends) a.k.a Babu (to family) to provide some level of communication in terms of updates on his difficult journey to our supportive family and friends who are as anxious as I am for him to completely heal, and be whole and healthy again! Thank you all for your prayers and words of support and encouragement.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Daddy is not coming back from heaven!
As I was putting Ronak to bed 3 days ago, he softly whispered to me "I hope you know Daddy is not coming back from heaven anymore!". I said "I know Ronak. I think he is quite happy there as much as we need him here!". My poor baby - realization finally hit him that his daddy wasn't coming back from heaven and he wanted to share that with me in a way that was not his confirmation of the thought but he wanted to make it sound like he was gently letting me down on a fact. Both of them have had their hopes so high for so long thinking a miracle would happen and Nook would magically appear in front of their eyes. Even though at some level, they knew what happened, it takes a looooong time in a child's mind for reality to sink in. I wish I could make it better for them..
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Daddy loves you...!
August 9th, 2013
Today Sanvi, my little in-house counselor, Dr.Phil and Oprah all rolled into one asked me "Do you love Daddy?". I said "Of course I do!". She said very astutely "He loves you a lot and will never let you go out of his sight even for a minute!". I think to myself - ok, all this is in the present tense - where is she going with this train of thought? So I played along with present tense too like he was here. So I told her "Sanvi - it's not practical for him to keep an eye on me all the time - what about when I go to work or he goes to work or we go on errands?". She then said very clearly "Mamma - I am not talking about all that - I am talking about how Daddy is always watching you every minute from heaven and he will not let you out of his sight because he loves you sooo much!!" I was stumped and at a loss for words - here she was giving me reassurance and emotional support in my sad moments when most adults cannot provide me such firm mental support. So i tell her "Sanvi, daddy loves you and ronak also very much and is always watching you".
As i sit here writing this, my digital pboto frame flashes tons of pictures from when she was born to her being a toddler. My little baby girl has not even turned eight as yet and she's such a wise old soul. Bless her heart!
Today Sanvi, my little in-house counselor, Dr.Phil and Oprah all rolled into one asked me "Do you love Daddy?". I said "Of course I do!". She said very astutely "He loves you a lot and will never let you go out of his sight even for a minute!". I think to myself - ok, all this is in the present tense - where is she going with this train of thought? So I played along with present tense too like he was here. So I told her "Sanvi - it's not practical for him to keep an eye on me all the time - what about when I go to work or he goes to work or we go on errands?". She then said very clearly "Mamma - I am not talking about all that - I am talking about how Daddy is always watching you every minute from heaven and he will not let you out of his sight because he loves you sooo much!!" I was stumped and at a loss for words - here she was giving me reassurance and emotional support in my sad moments when most adults cannot provide me such firm mental support. So i tell her "Sanvi, daddy loves you and ronak also very much and is always watching you".
As i sit here writing this, my digital pboto frame flashes tons of pictures from when she was born to her being a toddler. My little baby girl has not even turned eight as yet and she's such a wise old soul. Bless her heart!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Relay for Life at Anaheim Hills on May 5th 2012 - Luminaria Speech in honor of Nook
To honor Nook's memory on the first year of him no longer being with us physically, I decided to get involved with the Relay for Life in Anaheim Hills. It definitely wasn't as much as I would have liked to - but I helped in whatever way I could. As you know, Relay for Life is a special event where everyone walks for 24 hours in support of fundraising for the American Cancer Society. You can read more at www.relayforlife.org
There's this really special event called the Luminaria at the Relay that happens at night where candles light up the whole track and speakers share their personal stories of a loved one's journey and battle against their diagnosis. I was asked by the Luminaria organizers if I could speak about Nook. I said ok not knowing what exactly I was going to speak about. With a few days left to the Relay countdown date, the Luminaria organizers asked me if I had my speech ready - I said No. We started talking about it and the story of his journey took shape. I had some ideas in my head and I put pen down to paper. Here's a link to the Luminaria speech that my friend recorded on his iPhone.
(Note: It's all dark, you can't see me, but you can hear my voice - the famous Santa Ana winds can be heard whooshing in the background). But I was told by several people in the audience that towards the end of the speech, they saw two red balloons fly into the sky....no one released them or touched them - they were tethered down till then, but mysteriously came loose to fly high in the sky...I just like to think it was Nook smiling down upon us again and comforting me....however, as I was winding up my speech, I could see from the corner of my eye, a graceful white bird clearly against the dark night sky....wait...a graceful white bird....why doesn't that surprise me? Again - one of Nook's only wishes when we sat at the beach and he saw birds in the sky - he always wished he was a bird flying high above the land, effortlessly floating in the wide blue sky on a beautiful sunny clear So Cal day...that was him...a presence again telling us it was going to be ok...belief...that's all i can hang onto at this time, taking one day at a time!
http://youtu.be/eqsHN7VU5DA
There's this really special event called the Luminaria at the Relay that happens at night where candles light up the whole track and speakers share their personal stories of a loved one's journey and battle against their diagnosis. I was asked by the Luminaria organizers if I could speak about Nook. I said ok not knowing what exactly I was going to speak about. With a few days left to the Relay countdown date, the Luminaria organizers asked me if I had my speech ready - I said No. We started talking about it and the story of his journey took shape. I had some ideas in my head and I put pen down to paper. Here's a link to the Luminaria speech that my friend recorded on his iPhone.
(Note: It's all dark, you can't see me, but you can hear my voice - the famous Santa Ana winds can be heard whooshing in the background). But I was told by several people in the audience that towards the end of the speech, they saw two red balloons fly into the sky....no one released them or touched them - they were tethered down till then, but mysteriously came loose to fly high in the sky...I just like to think it was Nook smiling down upon us again and comforting me....however, as I was winding up my speech, I could see from the corner of my eye, a graceful white bird clearly against the dark night sky....wait...a graceful white bird....why doesn't that surprise me? Again - one of Nook's only wishes when we sat at the beach and he saw birds in the sky - he always wished he was a bird flying high above the land, effortlessly floating in the wide blue sky on a beautiful sunny clear So Cal day...that was him...a presence again telling us it was going to be ok...belief...that's all i can hang onto at this time, taking one day at a time!
http://youtu.be/eqsHN7VU5DA
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