Today has been a hard day. Unfathomable grief, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, hard to shake off the depression and feelings of down in the dumps! The kids are on summer break at my sister's place - gives me an opportunity to actually break down and cry instead of trying to put up a brave front in front of the children or postponing the process of grief. There hasn't been time to cry...there's always something to do - another chore, another task to cross of my never-ending list of tasks. Memories and images of Nook waft in circles around my brain like swirls of misty fog on my drive on the 241 toll roads on an early December morning. It feels so distant and unreachable - just like visibility in the fog is low, my vision of Nook is fading - I don't like the thought but I can't seem to remember how he feels and how his voice is...(I make a mental note to myself to have a friend help me connect the camcorder to the TV and play back old videos - yes - still tech challenged around the house). Acknowledging my grief - every single book tells me that this will help with the healing. How??!! They don't talk about this knot I feel at the pit of my stomach. I am reading a book called "A Helpful Guide to the Problems of Being a Widow" by Lynn Caine - recommended by a friend, an excellent read, but it's ironic how she being a widow in the 70's has still not changed the problems and challenges widows feel today 40 yrs later too. Nothing has changed in that realm. The author's story is so similar to mine - same age as me when she lost her husband to lung cancer, married for 17 yrs, a boy and a girl similar in age to mine...uncanny...she has compiled a lot of letters that young widows wrote to her - it's amazing how every single letter resonates with me...some people justify knowing ahead of time when a person is sick is good enough a reason to get over the grief and not be shocked by the spouse passing away. They justify that a sudden death causes more grief. Everyone thinks they have it worse than everyone else. Some people said I knew what was coming. How could I? Hindsight is always 20/20! Did we have a crystal ball? If well-meaning friends claim they knew so well this was coming, why didnt they tell us, better still why didnt they spend time with him? Did the doctor give us a timeline? No - she herself said she was blinsided! If yes, I would have quit my job, stayed at home with Nook or better still gone on a vacation to all our favorite places. We would have spent time with the children. But there's this thing called Life, which has to be played. Some say "You're young - you'll get over it!!". Some say atleast you had lots of years together. Some other well meaning friends say - be happy atleast you have kids, some others say - atleast he was in the Finance/Investments area, so they assume he was already a multi millionaire or a finacial tycoon wheeling and dealing high stakes, and I have well meaning advice saying I ought to focus on the kids and just retire, some others say - Oh, don't you get social security - yeah right - the 400 bucks per month is going to help me live the high life in California!! I quote the author and I love this paragraph so well explained: "I'm not interested in promoting competition among widows. I think it's a waste of energy and not very helpful to anyone. But I do think it's important for all of us to understand that each death brings its own specific problems and hardships. There is no "better" or "worse" way to lose a husband. Your age, your husband's age, the nature of his death, your economic status, your level of independence, whether or not you have children and how old they are, your own state of health, and may other variables do make a difference. There is value, I think in recognizing what a woman faces when she must watch her husband die slowly, as I did, and in understanding the intensified shock that comes froma sudden death, when a woman;s husband leaves for work in the morning and never arrives there. What rule of measurement can judge which of these is worse? NONE!! I want to emphasize again that this is not a comparison...."
Again my wonderful friend Aditi sends me this excerpt from the 'Daily Om' newsletter just in time to put things in perspective and remind me to continue the healing process.
Becoming Whole AgainThe Process of Grieving
by Madisyn
Taylor
Grief can arise from many life situations, but know it is not a permanent state of being.
Grief can arise from many life situations, but know it is not a permanent state of being.
When we experience any kind of devastating loss, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a dream, or a relationship, feelings may arise within us that are overwhelming or difficult to cope with. This sense of grief can also come up when we are separated from anyone or anything we have welcomed into our lives. And while it may feel like we are caught up in a never-ending spiral of sadness and emptiness, it is important to remember that the grief we are feeling is not a permanent state of being. Rather, grief is part of the process of letting go that in many ways can be a gift, allowing us to go deeper within ourselves to rediscover the light amidst the seeming darkness.
The emotions that accompany any kind of loss can be intense and varied. A sense of shock or denial is often the first reaction, to be replaced by anger. Sometimes this anger can be directed at your loved one for “abandoning” you; at other times you may feel outrage toward the universe for what you are enduring. And while there are stages of grief that people go through – moving from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance – the cycles of grief often move in spirals, sometimes circling forward and then back again. You may even experience moments of strength, faith, and laughter in between. While these emotions seem to come and go sporadically, it is important to feel them, accept them, and allow them to flow. With time, patience, and compassion, you will eventually find your center again.
As we move through our grief, we may find ourselves reluctant to release our pain, fearing we are letting go of who or what we have lost. We may even regard our movement toward healing as an act of disloyalty or giving up. Know that while the hurt may fade, the essence of what you had and who you loved will have already transformed you and forever stay with you. If anything, once you are ready for the pain of your loss to subside, their memories can then live more fully within you. Remember, that healing is a part of the spiraling cycles of grief, and that in letting yourself feel restored again, you are surrendering to a natural movement that is part of the dance of life.
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