December 5th, 2012
It's been 7 months since Nook passed away. It still feels surreal and I still ask myself the question every now and then - why me?, Could this be happening for real? Sanvi tells me she believes Daddy is coming back. Ronak asks "What is a soul? I don't understand!" He of course has a million other questions leading to it and after it, but I gave up trying to explain patiently what I think are answers from a kid's point of view...because as an adult - I don't know what the answers are - it's vague and abstract to me, how would it come across to a child then?! He is frustrated, I am frustrated that my answers sound like BS!!! He goes to bed after providing his own explanation to all the questions and Sanvi's too - Sanvi changes all the answers to her satisfaction, I feel hopeless...I have 10 books on grief on my nightstand - a few to help children process grief...I read it to them and it leads to more questions....One day they'll come to terms with their own versions of answers.
Special milestones come and go...we've done a lot of "firsts"...first birthday that Sanvi celebrated post Nook, first tooth that Ronak lost, first vacation without Nook, the list goes on...Sanvi says it's not fair that she didnt get to spend any time with Daddy, I agree too....their loss in unfathomable - I truly can't understand how they feel, as an adult, I can justify or attempt to process my grief but in their little minds, they can't comprehend it - like Sanvi asked me "What's grief and what's sorrow?!" Lucky for me - I had an answer for that one, thanks to the book! Memories are triggered everywhere we go, shows we watch, drives we take, 18 yrs worth of Christmases running around Southern California checking out events, shows, tree lightings, a barrage of house guests and visitors take me down memory lane...seeing things around the house...a burst of tears here and there, unshed tears at other times...this dull aching gaping hole that's in my chest - is that what's called grief?
But I remind myself, life goes on. Sanvi defines in true Sanvi stye - confidently and succinctly: All living things are meant to be born, go through change, become old and eventually die . I was stumped. Is this the same girl who was trying to make sense of death just a few minutes ago? I guess the books I read to her are seeping through. I am glad she goes to bed with the clarity her little mind needs for this minute.
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