You are not fun at all!

Sanvi had this outburst a couple of days ago saying "You are not fun at all like Daddy!. You are boring and too serious!". Well, if only she knew how much I did laugh all my life. She made me wonder, am I losing my joie de vivre  and showing the kids the fun side being too absorbed with responsibility and this dread for what the future holds for us? I don't want them to grow up with the serious side of me (which I never knew I had!!). I don't even recognize that this has surfaced. Of course, I can't compete with Nook's sense of humor, his laissez-faire attitude and general love of life and all things good. But this has made me pause and think of more 'fun' things I have to do to keep Sanvi bubbly and happy! It's a challenge because when it comes to discipline time, if I am the 'fun' person, she's never going to take me seriously - the art of single parenting balancing different demands on the see-saw of single parenting. I see this image of the see-saw at the park, running to both sides taking turns sitting on each side for a bit - yes, I've done this as a kid for fun when there's no one to play it, but I've been left to play both sides of it in the see-saw called LIFE!

I do have to say she came up to me hours later and told me she's sorry she said that and I am the best mom she's ever had (I like when she says that because she doesn't realize I am the only one she has - there's no multiple moms she's experienced to compare to!).  But I get what she's trying to say - at her age, she's so sweet to come and reassure me!

Daddy is not coming back from heaven!

As I was putting Ronak to bed 3 days ago, he softly whispered to me "I hope you know Daddy is not coming back from heaven anymore!". I said "I know Ronak. I think he is quite happy there as much as we need him here!". My poor baby - realization finally hit him that his daddy wasn't coming back from heaven and he wanted to share that with me in a way that was not his confirmation of the thought but he wanted to make it sound like he was gently letting me down on a fact. Both of them have had their hopes so high for so long thinking a miracle would happen and Nook would magically appear in front of their eyes. Even though at some level, they knew what happened, it takes a looooong time in a child's mind for reality to sink in.  I wish I could make it better for them..

Daddy loves you...!

August 9th, 2013

Today Sanvi, my little in-house counselor, Dr.Phil and Oprah all rolled into one asked me "Do you love Daddy?". I said "Of course I do!".  She said very astutely "He loves you a lot and will never let you go out of his sight even for a minute!".  I think to myself - ok, all this is in the present tense - where is she going with this train of thought? So I played along with present tense too like he was here. So I told her "Sanvi - it's not practical for him to  keep an eye on me all the time - what about when I go to work or he goes to work or we go on errands?". She then said very clearly "Mamma - I am not talking about all that - I am talking about how Daddy is always watching you every minute from heaven and he will not let you out of his sight because he loves you sooo much!!" I was stumped and at a loss for words - here she was giving me reassurance and emotional support in my sad moments when most adults cannot provide me such firm mental support. So i tell her "Sanvi, daddy loves you and ronak also very much and is always watching you".

As i sit here writing this, my digital pboto frame flashes tons of pictures from when she was born to her being a toddler. My little baby girl has not even turned eight as yet and she's such a wise old soul. Bless her heart!

Relay for Life at Anaheim Hills on May 5th 2012 - Luminaria Speech in honor of Nook

To honor Nook's memory on the first year of him no longer being with us physically, I decided to get involved with the Relay for Life in Anaheim Hills. It definitely wasn't as much as I would have liked to - but I helped in whatever way I could. As you know, Relay for Life is a special event where everyone walks for 24 hours in support of fundraising for the American Cancer Society. You can read more at www.relayforlife.org

There's this really special event called the Luminaria at the Relay that happens at night where candles light up the whole track and speakers share their personal stories of a loved one's journey and battle against their diagnosis. I was asked by the Luminaria organizers if I could speak about Nook. I said ok not knowing what exactly I was going to speak about. With a few days left to the Relay countdown date, the Luminaria organizers asked me if I had my speech ready - I said No. We started talking about it and the story of his journey took shape. I had some ideas in my head and I put pen down to paper. Here's a link to the Luminaria speech that my friend recorded on his iPhone.
(Note: It's all dark, you can't see me, but you can hear my voice - the famous Santa Ana winds can be heard whooshing in the background). But I was told by several people in the audience that towards the end of the speech, they saw two red balloons fly into the sky....no one released them or touched them - they were tethered down till then, but mysteriously came loose to fly high in the sky...I just like to think it was Nook smiling down upon us again and comforting me....however, as I was winding up my speech, I could see from the corner of my eye, a graceful white bird clearly against the dark night sky....wait...a graceful white bird....why doesn't that surprise me? Again - one of Nook's only wishes when we sat at the beach and he saw birds in the sky - he always wished he was a bird flying high above the land, effortlessly floating in the wide blue sky on a beautiful sunny clear So Cal day...that was him...a presence again telling us it was going to be ok...belief...that's all i can hang onto at this time, taking one day at a time!

http://youtu.be/eqsHN7VU5DA

Don't listen to the sappy love songs on the radio...

Every song on the radio triggers a distant associative memory to some event or a long drive in the car across our daytripping adventures, happier times, pre-children, post children, special milestones, and other sad times like those long drives in the night back from City of Hope. At the same time, I am drawn to tuning in everytime I feel blue. Common sense tells me - Stay away from listening to sappy love songs and feeling all the more blue. It's a dichotomy of feelings - stay away...no, listen in...what should I do?...Oh well!! I decided to listen to one of the love songs channels - KOST 103.5 or Karen Sharp's dedications at night and I feel Nook is trying to play 'our' songs to make me feel better. There's always a song for every mood and frame of mind. He reads my mind, the radio plays it, I feel better again. The 'blue' feeling has passed on.......

Relay for Life (Aliso Viejo)....In Nook's memory

A good friend of mine from Irvine has volunteered lots of hours being a Committee member for the Marketing efforts towards the Aliso Viejo Relay for Life. I am so touched by her email that she wrote saying she was galvanized into action and doing this in Nook's memory. This is a commitment over several months before a relay for a specific city starts...it's not easy to make this commitment work given a busy work and family life, so I am deeply moved by her kindness and generosity to make this happen....even I didn't have the courage to commit this kind of time for the Anaheim Hills Relay and just did it low key hoping to be more involved in the years to come....

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Dear family & friends,

On Aug 10th, I'll be walking in Aliso Viejo's Relay for Life in honor of my friend who lost her husband to cancer last year. She is my age and now faces raising 2 little ones on her own. Relay for Life is a beautiful 24-hour fundraiser walk sponsored by the American Cancer Society which starts at 9am Sat Aug 10th and ends at 9am on the 11th, taking place at the Grand Park in Aliso Viejo. People will be camping out and there will be crafts, food and fundraising activities. The highlight will be the Luminaria Ceremony which starts at around 9pm...no words can describe it. To see a video of it and learn more, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLxQPD7Lj_U

I created a team which I hope you'll help me in supporting. If you are available on Aug 10th, please join me and together, let's walk and celebrate anyone you know who's been touched by cancer. It's really casual and you don't need to be there for the whole 24 hours. I promise it will be a memorable and inspirational event you won't forget. If you can't make the event, you can also help with donations...no amount is too little!!!

Click here to donate or join my team, Dare to Care, and learn more about Relay:
http://main.acsevents.org/goto/dare2care

Let me know if you have any questions. Feel free to pass this on! From the bottom of my heart, thank you!!!!
Nathalie

What Is Relay For Life?

In more than 5,200 communities and 20 countries, Relay For Life events comprise the signature fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. Each Relay For Life event is special to its community, but the movement's true power lies in the combined commitment of thousands of participants, volunteers, and supporters to help the American Cancer Society save lives from cancer.

Why We Fundraise

Every year, the Relay For Life movement raises more than $400 million. The American Cancer Society puts these donations to work, investing in groundbreaking research in every type of cancer and providing free information and services to cancer patients and their caregivers. We're fighting for every birthday threatened by every cancer, in your community and everyone else's.

Want Daddy back......

Yesterday Sanvi told me very matter-of-factly "Mommy, it's been 1 yr since Daddy passed away. I miss him and I want him back!!" Well, guess what Sanvi, we are not even in the same city right now and that's exactly how I felt day before yesterday - I said to myself  (I am not cuckoo as yet, but i do have conversations with nook) "ok, that's it, game's over, time to come back now - I don't care how you do it, but come back this minute!!!" well - I guess that's not happening....I just have to continue my imaginary conversations....

Grief is unique for each widow.....but the healing must go on.

July 18th, 2013

Today has been a hard day. Unfathomable grief, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, hard to shake off the depression and feelings of down in the dumps! The kids are on summer break at my sister's place - gives me an opportunity to actually break down and cry instead of trying to put up a brave front in front of the children or postponing the process of grief. There hasn't been time to cry...there's always something to do - another chore, another task to cross of my never-ending list of tasks.  Memories and images of Nook waft in circles around my brain like swirls of misty fog on my drive on the 241 toll roads on an early December morning. It feels so distant and unreachable - just like visibility in the fog is low, my vision of Nook is fading - I don't like the thought but I can't seem to remember how he feels and how his voice is...(I make a mental note to myself to have a friend help me connect the camcorder to the TV and play back old videos - yes - still tech challenged around the house). Acknowledging my grief - every single book tells me that this will help with the healing. How??!! They don't talk about this knot I feel at the pit of my stomach. I am reading a book called "A Helpful Guide to the Problems of Being a Widow" by Lynn Caine - recommended by a friend, an excellent read, but it's ironic how she being a widow in the 70's has still not changed the problems and challenges widows feel today 40 yrs later too. Nothing has changed in that realm. The author's story is so similar to mine - same age as me when she lost her husband to lung cancer, married for 17 yrs, a boy and a girl similar in age to mine...uncanny...she has compiled a lot of letters that young widows wrote to her - it's amazing how every single letter resonates with me...some people justify knowing ahead of time when a person is sick is good enough a reason to get over the grief and not be shocked by the spouse passing away. They justify that a sudden death causes more grief. Everyone thinks they have it worse than everyone else. Some people said I knew what was coming. How could I? Hindsight is always 20/20! Did we have a crystal ball? If well-meaning friends claim they knew so well this was coming, why didnt they tell us, better still why didnt they spend time with him? Did the doctor give us a timeline? No - she herself said she was blinsided! If yes, I would have quit my job, stayed at home with Nook or better still gone on a vacation to all our favorite places. We would have spent time with the children. But there's this thing called Life, which has to be played. Some say "You're young - you'll get over it!!". Some say atleast you had lots of years together. Some other well meaning friends say - be happy atleast you have kids, some others say - atleast he was in the Finance/Investments area, so they assume he was already a multi millionaire or a finacial tycoon wheeling and dealing high stakes, and I have well meaning advice saying I ought to focus on the kids and just retire, some others say - Oh, don't you get social security - yeah right - the 400 bucks per month is going to help me live the high life in California!! I quote the author and I love this paragraph so well explained: "I'm not interested in promoting competition among widows. I think it's a waste of energy and not very helpful to anyone. But I do think it's important for all of us to understand that each death brings its own specific problems and hardships. There is no "better" or "worse" way to lose a husband. Your age, your husband's age, the nature of his death, your economic status, your level of independence, whether or not you have children and how old they are, your own state of health, and may other variables do make a difference. There is value, I think in recognizing what a woman faces when she must watch her husband die slowly, as I did, and in understanding the intensified shock that comes froma sudden death, when a woman;s husband leaves for work in the morning and never arrives there. What rule of measurement can judge which of these is worse? NONE!! I want to emphasize again that this is not a comparison...."

Again my wonderful friend Aditi sends me this excerpt from the 'Daily Om' newsletter just in time to put things in perspective and remind me to continue the healing process.



Becoming Whole AgainThe Process of Grieving

by Madisyn Taylor
Grief can arise from many life situations, but know it is not a permanent state of being.

When we experience any kind of devastating loss, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a dream, or a relationship, feelings may arise within us that are overwhelming or difficult to cope with. This sense of grief can also come up when we are separated from anyone or anything we have welcomed into our lives. And while it may feel like we are caught up in a never-ending spiral of sadness and emptiness, it is important to remember that the grief we are feeling is not a permanent state of being. Rather, grief is part of the process of letting go that in many ways can be a gift, allowing us to go deeper within ourselves to rediscover the light amidst the seeming darkness.

The emotions that accompany any kind of loss can be intense and varied. A sense of shock or denial is often the first reaction, to be replaced by anger. Sometimes this anger can be directed at your loved one for “abandoning” you; at other times you may feel outrage toward the universe for what you are enduring. And while there are stages of grief that people go through – moving from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance – the cycles of grief often move in spirals, sometimes circling forward and then back again. You may even experience moments of strength, faith, and laughter in between. While these emotions seem to come and go sporadically, it is important to feel them, accept them, and allow them to flow. With time, patience, and compassion, you will eventually find your center again.

As we move through our grief, we may find ourselves reluctant to release our pain, fearing we are letting go of who or what we have lost. We may even regard our movement toward healing as an act of disloyalty or giving up. Know that while the hurt may fade, the essence of what you had and who you loved will have already transformed you and forever stay with you. If anything, once you are ready for the pain of your loss to subside, their memories can then live more fully within you. Remember, that healing is a part of the spiraling cycles of grief, and that in letting yourself feel restored again, you are surrendering to a natural movement that is part of the dance of life.

Thank you to Friends and Family

Friends & Family - I am also posting this message to reach out to all those who sent me messages of support, encouragement, kind thoughts and most importantly your precious prayers during my time of grief when Nook passed away. I did not get a chance to read or respond to the 300 or so messages that still float around Nook's and my yahoo, gmail, LinkedIn, and Facebook. But that doesn't mean I appreciate it any less. In fact, that's going to be a comforting, cathartic experience for me to read those messages to keep me going - to reinforce how loved Nook was as a friend, coworker, family member, acquaintance. This is a legacy I can pass onto my children, something they can comprehend versus the incomprehensible thoughts of souls, spirits and how physical bodies become ashes or understanding how God can transport a soul or who or where God is. Sanvi already has her ideas of how to honor her Dad via a scrapbook of pictures, cards we received and printouts of email notes. All of you were amazing in responding so readily with favors and help during the hospitalization and the first few weeks. To my amazing Anaheim Hills and Irvine friends, I am sure you are waiting for the day I move out of AH so I can stop bugging you for tech help, mail support, and Handyman 101!!! For all those who attended Nook's funeral and memorial services in person, I know I did not have a chance to acknowledge everyone that day, but I was truly overwhelmed with the number of people that came to bid him adieu despite it being a weekday and right in the middle of the working day. We are blessed indeed to have such a large extended family - I seem to always have this vision of Nook watching from somewhere above laughing and having a good time socializing at his own funeral with that everlasting smile of his that none of us can ever forget. 

A Big Thanks from the bottom of my heart for all your kindness. 

Sangeetha.

Note: There were several people around the world who wanted to be able to participate in the memorial services and couldn't be there in person - I know some of you feel you need closure too and would have liked to have seen him. If it's of any comfort to you, here's a link to the wonderful slideshow presentation down memory lane that our buddies Sameer and Rajeev put together. It's been my solace over the months to relive the memories via these pictures http://sdrv.ms/Nchsr5. Here's also a link to Sanvi's tribute to Nook as she sang one of his favorite songs: http://youtu.be/kR0U3TGFYO8 or search in youtube by "sanvi kolluru" (Sanvi remembers Nook singing this song as Nook was so impressed with Adele's voice back then - him being sick and at home coincided with the time when Adele won the Grammys - father and daughter usually loved singing the Adele songs together on the iPad). And last but not the least, here's the Nook we all know - with his characteristic smile and a poem written by Aditi where only she could so eloquently describe Nook. As I read the poem again, I can't help attaching the picture of the full moon on the night of May 5th as we were driving back from the hospital. The news described it as one of those rare "once in x number of years type occurrences", when the moon is closest to the earth or some such interesting tidbit, but every month, when the kids and I see the full moon, we call it "Daddy's Day!".

 

 

 

 

Thoughts from Christmas 2012

December 5th, 2012

 

It's been 7 months since Nook passed away. It still feels surreal and I still ask myself the question every now and then - why me?, Could this be happening for real? Sanvi tells me she believes Daddy is coming back. Ronak asks "What is a soul? I don't understand!" He of course has a million other questions leading to it and after it, but I gave up trying to explain patiently what I think are answers from a kid's point of view...because as an adult - I don't know what the answers are - it's vague and abstract to me, how would it come across to a child then?! He is frustrated, I am frustrated that my answers sound like BS!!! He goes to bed after providing his own explanation to all the questions and Sanvi's too - Sanvi changes all the answers to her satisfaction, I feel hopeless...I have 10 books on grief on my nightstand - a few to help children process grief...I read it to them and it leads to more questions....One day they'll come to terms with their own versions of answers. 

Special milestones come and go...we've done a lot of "firsts"...first birthday that Sanvi celebrated post Nook, first tooth that Ronak lost, first vacation without Nook, the list goes on...Sanvi says it's not fair that she didnt get to spend any time with Daddy, I agree too....their loss in unfathomable - I truly can't understand how they feel, as an adult, I can justify or attempt to process my grief but in their little minds, they can't comprehend it - like Sanvi asked me "What's grief and what's sorrow?!" Lucky for me - I had an answer for that one, thanks to the book! Memories are triggered everywhere we go, shows we watch, drives we take, 18 yrs worth of Christmases running around Southern California checking out events, shows, tree lightings, a barrage of house guests and visitors take me down memory lane...seeing things around the house...a burst of tears here and there, unshed tears at other times...this dull aching gaping hole that's in my chest - is that what's called grief? 

But I remind myself, life goes on. Sanvi defines in true Sanvi stye - confidently and succinctly: All living things are meant to be born, go through change, become old and eventually die . I was stumped. Is this the same girl who was trying to make sense of death just a few minutes ago? I guess the books I read to her are seeping through. I am glad she goes to bed with the clarity her little mind needs for this minute. 

 

One year later.....

When one has a new born baby, the new parents keep track of the timeline first by the hours, the days, the weeks, then it goes to months, then years....I did the same thing with Nook after he passed away - I counted the hours, the days, the weeks, the months...it's always on my mind - I see the full moon and I know that's the monthly anniversary as per the Indian calendar - I would honor his monthly date on the English calendar date of the 5th, by doing whatever tradition demanded...cook something he enjoyed eating and make an offering....I kept marking the 5th and the 10th - the day of the cremation and the memorial - the first year death anniversary came - it was such a rush of mixed emotions - I kept myself busy with the Relay for Life to honor his special day when he left us - that kept me going. And now I feel bereft, I still feel a part of me is missing - a limb, an organ, a physical body part - it is said that amputees still feel the missing limb and feel sensations of the missing part - I feel the same....I know something is missing, I remember how it felt when it was there, I can feel it now when it is missing - I know what it is - but I have no control to bring it back. I must go on without that 'part'. And I will go on...the question is how can I do it? It's a journey - and to quote my sister - "this is just the beginning..."

Family and Friends - I am back to blogging as I feel so connected to this blog - this kept me going when we were in the ICU, maybe this can keep me going outside of the ICU too.